control + alt + delete

Well, I can’t do it all.

Today my head hurts, my jaw hurts, my boobs hurt, my back hurts, my uterus hurts and my legs hurt. So I do some witch craft tom-foolery like putting castor oil on my liver and drink lemon and ginger water.  I try to get my vitamin D.  I take a walk with the dogs.  I cook a crockpot meal.  I pick wild flowers.  I try to meditate to get more Zen.

But my boobs still hurt and my head still throbs.  And I can’t stop crying.

I try and try and try to do things right.

But I can’t do it all.  Because I’m told to eat leafy green vegetables.  So I do, every day.  Then I read that liver is a good thing too.  But I can’t add liver to my list.  Not today.  And I drink water but I’m told it must be filtered.  And I eat protein, but it isn’t grass fed.  And I just ate a god damned un-organic strawberry.  One of the dirty dozen!  Toxins, toxins, toxins.

I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. I’m fairly certain that my garden needs watering.  But I can’t do it during the day and must wait till night when the sun has gone under and I am lying on the couch and am too tired to walk outside and water my poor, thirsty plants.  I am a plant murderer.

I’m tired of trying to do this life “right.” Of striving to have the perfect artistic house and the Beyonce booty.  Of remembering to take my fish oil.  Of wearing red lipstick and washing my hair in honey.  Of trying to save the world, without any particularly super powers.

We all have a narrative of what this perfect life looks like.  Pinning images of our “Someday house” and our “Someday children” and food that looks much better on the screen than how it turns out on our counters.  It’s the root of our guilt and discontentment when the picture in our head is incongruous with the evidence of real life.

I think our world today has a serious case of information overload.  There are too many answers only a quick Google search away.  We don’t just die of old age any more.  We know the artery that was clogged or the precise location of the tumor that invaded.  The pesticide that toxified our insides and caused our infertility.

I want to press the restart button.  Refresh this page.  Control, alt, delete.

Today I laid on the ground.  Because I was sure I was having early signs of menopause due to hot flashes.  But WebMD told me it was pretty unlikely.  But I laid on the ground any way because it was cool and safe.  Mikey came and laid next to me and kissed my neck and ears.  He didn’t judge me because he knew, sometimes we just need to lie on the floor to cool off.

© 2013 D. Willson

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