Ever seen the tv show Portlandia?  It’s pretty spot on with its sketch comedy portrayals of Portland residents with their quirky (verging on crazy) tendencies.  Well this morning, Mike and I stumbled upon our very own episode while eating breakfast.  Recently I went gluten free (an endeavor that I’m not convinced will be a forever commitment) and I was having an intense NEED for waffles when I woke up.  So we found this little restaurant that had gluten free options.  Mikey had a little bit of a tantrum when he discovered that it was a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and that their bacon was made with tofu.  But I soon was able to convince him that it’s like eating a cuisine from another country and you just have to accept that it’s a different genre of food.  I also reminded him that a happy wife (who has had her waffles) is a happy life.  As we were eating the most delicious waffle that tasted like heaven, we overheard the following conversation going on behind us.  I decided to make it into a script so that Portlandia can use it (and pay me a ton of money) someday.  I swear to you, none of this has been fabricated.

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INT.  Café – Morning

A couple enters the café.  The guy has his head half shaved, the other half is curly and bleach blonde.  He’s wearing a tie-dye shirt.  The girl is Asian, with chin length hair and bangs.  Wearing a leather jacket and a short skirt, tights and sneakers.  Patrons eat at small tables all around.  The tattooed waitress approaches them.

WAITRESS
Two for breakfast?

GUY
Yeah, thank you so much.

WAITRESS
Right this way

They approach a large booth that seats six.

GUY
Oh my goodness, we don’t need this much space.

GIRL
Yeah, this is way too big.

They hesitate, but sit down anyway.  The waitress walks away.

GIRL
This is huge.  We should share this.

GUY
Do you think we should ask someone to join us?  I mean, we could ask those people over there.  Do you think?

GIRL
I just feel so bad.  It’s like too much for us.  Should we ask that girl?

GUY
I guess not.  It will be fine.  Right?  I just feel like we should share it, you know?

The couple looks through the menu, making small talk about the different items.

GUY
So how have you been?

GIRL
Good, busy but good.  And you?

Waitress approaches the table.

WAITRESS
Hi guys.  Today our specials are a gluten free waffle, made with strawberries and clouds of vegan white chocolate mousse on top.  Or a breakfast burrito, made with hazelnut sausage, tofu and vegan chimichurri sauce.  Would you like to start off with some coffee or juice?

GIRL
I’ll have some orange juice.

GUY
Coffee, thanks.

Waitress walks away to get drinks.

GIRL
That waffle sounds really good.

GUY
Yeah, it seems so decadent.  I’m more of a basics kind of eater.  They’ve got these things called nests, they’re made out of potatoes or something and you can get different things on top.  Like the last time,  I got the “hot nest” with kale and vegan chorizo.  It was really good.

GIRL
That sounds amazing.  So what have you been up to?

GUY
I actually had a really silly weekend.

GIRL
Oh yeah?  What’d you do?

GUY
Well on Saturday, I went with a buddy to a show.  Have you heard of Hot Water music? We didn’t have a ride to the show, so I traded 3 gallons of our kambucha with the guy who lives down the hall.

GIRL
That’s awesome.  You make your own kambucha?

GUY
Yeah, my roommate and I got a piece of the mother from my cousin.  We’ve been brewing it for a few months now.

GIRL
Nice.  Was the show any good?

GUY
I don’t know, I mean the music wasn’t like it used to be.  I’ve been listening to them since I was like 13. They used to be really hardcore, you know, like they were saying “fuck this” to the world.  You know?  Anyway, afterwards we got a piece of Sizzle Pie.  Then on Sunday I just kind of chilled out.  I went and did some puzzles with my grandma.  My aunt came over too.  Apparently she adopted a litter of feral cats that she found.

GIRL
Really?  That’s crazy, where’d she find them?

GUY
I think she was like doing an art show under some loading dock, which had some storage units or something.  She’s been working on getting them spade and neutered and adopted.  There were nine of them and now there’s only six.  I don’t know what happened to them.

GIRL
That’s weird.

GUY
I know.  I mean, we had some good conversations.  Talked about world issues and stuff.  Sometimes they go well, sometimes they don’t.  Anyway, so what have you been up to?

© 2013 D. Willson